i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
