my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
