I want you more than these girls want KFC
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
