You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
