Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize