Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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