my phone needs a breathalizer
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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