ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
