Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
