Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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