the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
