my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think I just sharted jello shots
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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