note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
