so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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