This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
