i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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