I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
