I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
