Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
