Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
