i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
