You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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