margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i don't like sucking hair
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
