I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
