sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
