it was like his penis was on wheels.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
what is it with giant penises always finding me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize