dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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