my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
