She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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