it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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