I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
