I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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