I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
