I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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