I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
