I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
