When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
