I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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