Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize