he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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