dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
