do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
