i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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