i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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