my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
