i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
