My hand turned me down
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
God I need to hump something, right now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
