I'm so fucking centered right now
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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