I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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