I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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