I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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