So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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