Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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