we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
pray to the hookup gods
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
