I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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