just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
