The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
