Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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