The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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