So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
