I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
