I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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